‘Dianetics’ or I Know Why The Caged Cruise Sings
When I decided to review the introductory film at the Church of Scientology, I knew two things for sure; that I was going to see the movie and I was going to take a stress test. I decided that no matter what preconceived notions I carried about the Church, Dianetics, L. Ron Hubbard, Tom Cruise, Juliette Lewis, tax evasion, alien landings or John Travolta, I would give myself to the process and record my reactions and sensations. This strategy came about because of something my friend Nick said during a rehearsal: It is so easy to sit back and judge. It is another thing to get involved and come to a conclusion based on the experience. I am probably paraphrasing badly but, well, there it is.
When Gina, Helene and I walked into the Church of Scientology, I was struck by how busy and well stocked the place looked. There were people everywhere, walking along the narrow corridors, looking at the various video and wall displays and talking with various members of the church. On top of that, the place is a merchandising mecca; there were books, DVD’s, T-Shirts, displays, posters, video monitors, cruise pamphlets (the boat kind, not the Tom kind) on display everywhere with copies upon copies just waiting to be bought, taken or taken in. We were immediately approached by a fidgety yet smiling man named L. Ron (not his real name) who asked us our names, where we were from and why we had come to the Church. After giving him this information, L. Ron asked us why we were there and after we told him, he told us he had read the Old & New Testaments as well as the Koran but none of those had the power or insight of Dianetics or the Church of Sientology. He directed us to a narrow hallway filled with posters and TV screens which would give us the basics of each entity. Before leaving, he all but begged us to find him if we had any questions. I smiled, thanked him and found myself wishing he’d be trampled by a pack of wild rhinocerii before we had to see him again. I’m not a violent person by nature so this surprised me.
After looking at the display, I sat down with a man named L. Ron (a different one) to take the stress test. L. Ron had long, clean hair and wore a relaxed, cotton button down shirt. He left the top two buttons open and behind a pair of wire-rimmed glasses were a pair of dreamy eyes which rarely blinked. L Ron placed two aluminum cylinders in my hands, and told me to relax. He explained that he would ask me questions and that I all I had to do was react. (The cylinders were attached to a 'stressmeter' via two thin, black wires). He asked me about my job, my family, my relationships and my friendships and each time he did, the needle on the meter either twitched or went berserk and L. Ron would seize upon the movement and ask me what about my answer or thought ‘stressed me out.’ Giving myself to the process, I told him the truth and he seemed to understand what I was saying. I knew this because he said things like ‘I hear you,’ or ‘I get that’ or ‘I understand what you’re saying.’ Everything he asked me to think about caused the needle to twitch and I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me until I remembered that 1) not all stress is bad and 2) the meter consisted of two Coke ® cans hooked up by a wire to a metal box. After that, I calmed down a bit. He gave me a copy of Dianetics and I’m big enough to admit I walked away a bit rattled, picturing a pack of starving wolves tearing the flesh from L. Ron’s still living body. It was a less than loving thought.
They showed us ‘Dianetics: An Introduction’ in a conference room with uncomfortable chairs. (Helene was gone at this point. She had to go meet her boyfriend) The film begins with a Point-Of-View shot of a comet. It is red and tears through the atmosphere, hurtling toward a faraway mountain. Upon impact, the mountaintop explodes, sending fireworks into the air and lava spewing down the mountainside. I’m not sure where the lava came from (was the mountain bleeding?) but as it poured into the surrounding forest, I was haunted by visions of Bambi, Thumper, and countless potential Theodore Kaczynski’s turned into so many charred remains.
Perhaps I wasn’t meant to think about the deaths of thousands of forest denizens while I watched this movie; perhaps the filmmakers wished me to focus instead on the awesome power of the comet and its ability to wreak havoc on nature and transform all known landscapes; perhaps they meant to equate the power of the comet with the power of Dianetics. Who knows? Whatever they meant though, I will always wonder what transpired between Messieurs Bambi and Thump-Thump as they watched the approaching lava.
After snuffing the life out of the furry forest creatures (Boy Scouts and Burning Man participants included), the film changes tracks completely and explains that the human mind is divided into two parts, the Analytic Mind and the Reactive Mind. The Analytic Mind is composed of everything we consciously see, hear, taste, touch and smell. If you go for a ride in the countryside, for example, your Analytic Mind observes the green trees, the rolling hills and the smell of your husband who has not showered for days because he lost his job three weeks ago and cannot bring himself to lift a bar of soap. It is the source of all that is rational and controlled in human beings.
The Reactive Mind, on the other hand, contains all our unconscious thoughts and sensations and is filled with traumatic experiences called Engrams. In moments of stress, the Reactive Mind releases these Engrams upon our helpless selves, causing irrational and self-destructive behavior. The film provides a few examples but my favorite involved a man playing baseball who is hit in the head with a wild pitch and knocked unconscious. While laid out, the man is surrounded by teammates who stand around discussing the amount of pain the man must be in without once stopping to think, ‘Gee, that dude was hit pretty hard in the noggin’. Maybe we should call an ambulance or something.’
Some time later, that same man (let’s call him ‘Dad’) is playing catch with His Son and His Son says ‘Hey Dad: see if you can hit my fastball!’ and Dad says ‘Sure Son!’ and walks over to a bat leaning against a nearby tree. When he touches the bat though, he begins to hear snippets of conversation his Reactive Mind recorded when he was hit in the head and his head begins to hurt. We know this because he grimaces and massages his temple. Dad shakes it off, gets in the batter’s box and digs in. As Dad is waiting for His Son’s pitch, he is inundated with even more images and snippets of conversation from his horrible experience. The kid throws a wild pitch, which sails behind Dad and crashes into various items on a picnic table. Dad hits the deck like a soldier with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, gets himself up, dusts himself off and proceeds to verbally tear His Son a new one. His Son, on the verge of tears, throws his glove down and runs away, angered and confused by his father’s behavior, unaware Dad cared so much about condiments, stale hot dog buns and junk food. Dad is left by himself, ashamed of his behavior. Such a shame: Dad could not control the Engrams in his Reactive Mind.
The Reactive Mind is bad. It is naughty. It should be covered in Crisco and spanked like an errant altar boy. It is why we drink, why we smoke, why we cheat, lie and steal. The narrator tells us that walking around without control of your Reactive Mind is like being permanently hypnotized. And if we had trouble wrapping our minds around that metaphor, the film supplies a scene of a man being hypnotized by the most ridiculous, goateed, arched eyebrowed, British accented hypnotist it'll ever be your misfortune to see. I was holding Gina’s hand and she was shaking. She later showed me the fingernail prints in her palm which she had made to keep from laughing out loud.
The film shows us a couple more traumatic situations (man calls things off with his girlfriend as a result of a car accident), throws in a few images of the Reactive Mind as a ball of Engram-absorbing tar and ends with a couple dressed in white, walking along a beach: wind-swept, smiling and sure. When the lights came up, I found myself wanting to hurl my copy of ‘Dianetics’ against a wall. What the hell was going on?
After the movie, I bought a copy of ‘Dianetics’ and the man who took my money, L. Ron, tried to sell me an accompanying DVD. While Gina took her stress test, a different L. Ron, tried to sell me a two-day, $50 Dianetics seminar. (I respectfully declined). Another L. Ron asked me for my address and phone number so he could follow up with me on my experience. And the L. Ron who gave me the stress test gave me a card for a free personality test which would let me know which aspects of my personality needed working on. At this point I was so upset, I wanted to make like Jesus in the Temple and upturn stuff.
Why? Everything in that place, from the movie to the products to the stress-inducing stress test to the endless parade of L. Ron’s running around trying to sell-sell-sell you stuff, is designed to overload your senses and make you feel as if there's something wrong with the life you lead. The entire evening focused on every negative thing that life had to offer: EVERYONE is ‘stressed-out’ from time to time when it comes to family, friends, relationships and career. But the constant hammering of the negative exploits certain insecurities and then the Church swoops in and offers itself up as the solution. It’s like being in an abusive relationship where the person hitting you then turns around and tells you that they love you. I was so confused I didn’t know what to feel. L. Ron Hubbard might be a genius and Dianetics may be THE way to go but by the time Gina and I literally ran from the air-conditioned building into the humid Manhattan night, screaming, I needed a neck massage and several drinks. Religion and self help should not be a hard sell and it should not be the cause of seeking those things in first place.
Avoid this place. Go to the Times Square Toys R Us ® instead. Or to the movies. I saw 'Scoop' the other night. It was pretty funny.
