Greetings. Jeremy told me I needed to update this blog and even though I’m not sure who all is reading it I agree with him.
So there is a man who writes for ESPN.com named Bill Simmons who writes running diaries of sporting events. I loved the idea and since I had to catch up on my netflix flicks, I decided to rip him off and do it with ‘Man on Fire’, release in 2004, starring Denzel Washington and Dakota Fanning; directed by Tony Scott. I'd heard good things about it on imdb and tony scott directed 'True Romance' and a bevy of other sly, wonderfully shot movies so I thought I'd give it a go.
Here’s what transpired.
3:48 p.m.
Pressed play on the old dvd player. I bought the thing about three years ago. It’s a cheap zenith thing that produces a good picture and decent sound. When I am rich and famous I will still have it and when it breaks down I will take it to the repair shop and pay $97,000 to have it fixed. Why? Because you never forget your first, that’s why.
3:49
Tony Scott always begins his movies with city scenes with quick cut editing. In this one it begins with man walking with his girlfriend in a Latin American city. Some subtitles tell us there is a kidnapping in Latin America every 6 seconds and 70% of those kidnapped never survive. The man is kidnapped while his girlfriend stands around screaming.
The man’s family is alerted and there is a nasty sounding Hispanic man growling directions into the phone. Was anyone else offended by this? I’m Jewish and I’m offended. Why couldn’t Tony have been kidnapped while making this movie? It would have saved a fortune in script development and made for an interesting documentary.
3:52
Denzel makes his first appearance. He’s riding in a car. There is a close up of him: he sports a scraggly beard and sunglasses and looks a little bit like Isaac Hayes. He, of course, looks awesome.
3:55
We are only 7 minutes into the film but if we are to believe it, there is nothing but crime and corruption in Latin America. Latin American travel agencies must hate this movie.
3:56
Denzel is at a barbeque hosted by Christopher Walken. Christopher Walken is scary. Not sure I’d want to eat any meat prepared by him.
In a related note: While I do know that Latin America is a hotbed of crime and corruption, I know neither the characters’ nor the city’s name. Someone should have paid attention to this. Tony Scott gets my vote.
3:58
Mickey Rourke and Marc Anthony are sitting in a restaurant. Mick is smoking a cigar and looking a bit swollen. Marc Anthony looks perplexed. Here is what’s going on in his head: “I can’t act; what am I doing in a movie with Mickey Rourke?”
4:02
Just figured out the plot of the movie: Denzel plays a troubled and drunken counter-terrorism expert. (I have the film on subtitle mode and I still don’t know his name) He has been spending time in the Latin America City for some reason and he goes to see his ex-buddy Christopher Walken (Don’t know his character’s name either but that hardly matters: he talks and eats like Christopher Walken and that’s good enough for me). They talk and Christopher Walken has a job for him but to worries about Denzel’s drinking. To underscore the fact that Denzel drinks, Scott shows Denzel pouring whiskey from a flask into his coffee during this exchange. Nice Tony, didn’t get the point.
4:03
Denzel has shaved, and is driving a car. Marc Anthony (Mr. J-Lo) is in the back seat. He looks to be perplexed again, wondering how he got into a movie with yet another movie star and is also married to J-lo. I’ve never thought much of Marc Anthony but putting all this into perspective, I now want to sing melodramatic songs in a killer voice and marry a mulit-faceted prima donna. Is the world ready for a Jewish Marc Anthony? We shall see.
In any case, Denzel is being hired to guard Marc Anthony’s daughter who looks like Dakota Fanning. Great. Yet another person’s whose name I don’t know. Where was the script supervisor when all this was going on?
4:08
Dakota Fanning is playing the piano and Denzel meets Mr. J-Lo and the woman playing his wife (A Name please?). Dakota Fanning smiles at Denzel, who is none too pleased. He is a Badass, a Loner, a Tough Nut to Crack. How much you wanna bet he’s going to die saving her life? $10? $100? Who can blame him though; Dakota Fanning’s a charmer.
4:12
Denzel is in his room, drinking and playing with his gun. Were I to do this I would no longer have a foot. His reflexes are no longer what they were and this bothers him so he pours another drink. Do you think he sees the irony?
4:14
Mr. J-Lo is seduced by his wife, who is blond and kind of curvy. He still looks perplexed. I’m officially jealous.
4:16
Just found out the film takes place in Mexico City. Mr. J-Lo just said so. I’m glad someone did. I’m so happy in fact that I will now refer to him as Marc.
4:19
Dakota keeps trying to make conversation but Denzel is resistant. He has just explained he is being paid to protect her not to talk to her. He is harsh. He is no nonsense. I am sorry I don’t have a box of Kleenex ® for when he tells her he loves her and vows revenge on those who kidnap her. I just realized I’m made of By-Product-Of-Horse-Hoof.
4:23
Dakota’s film mom just gave me Dakota’s character’s name. It is Pita. Not sure if it’s a nickname (acronym for ‘Pain in the Ass’) or her real name but I’m thankful anyway. Pita’s mom asked if Denzel could be friendlier with Pita. He made it again clear that he was being paid to protect her. Mother looks disappointed but resigned. We are almost an hour into the film and I know the feeling.
4:25
Denzel is drinking and tortured and playing with the gun again. He hears voices of something he’s done. What is it? Who did he hurt? Why is Tony Scott so intent on making suffering so cool and attractive? I’ve suffered before and my suffering looks nothing like Denzel’s. There are no jump cuts and mood lighting. It just burns and feels like there’s not a whole hell of a lot to live for…
I’m going back to the movie.
4:31
Pita and Denzel had their first breakthrough. She is a swimmer and she is concerned about being slow. He tells her she is fast but needs to come off the blocks quicker. She She tells him she is slow and never comes in better than third place. He tells her maybe she is slow. She smiles and I do the same. Why? She just told me his character’s name: It is Creasy. Hallelujah.
4:32
Uh-oh. Parents are leaving town. What’s gonna happen?
In the meantime, Creasy learns that Pita is afraid of the starting gun at the swim meet and Creasy decides to tutor Pita in getting faster off the swimming blocks. He is teaching her not to fear the gun. “The gunshot holds no fear”. I have a feeling we are going to hear this little philosophy later in a different context. There are lots of things that hold no fear. Rewrites. Editors. Other forms of entertainment.
4:35
Creasy and Pita are having a contest to see who can smile last. They are now arguing and making each other laugh. Creasy said he didn’t smile but “smirked”. I love that word. They are connected. I am in heaven.
4:36
The parents are home. And they brought Dakota a dog, Golden Retriever. Whew!
4:38
Creasy continues to help Pita with her swimming. He tells her there is no “tough”, there is only trained and untrained. This reminds me a lot of Yoda in ‘The Empire Strikes Back” when he tells Luke Skywalker there “is no try, only ‘do’ or ‘do not’”. Only those words are spoken by a green puppet who sounds a lot like Miss Piggy, which makes them a tad more palatable.
4:38
Big Swim meet. Pita is ready. She gets fast off the block and someone tells Creasy that today he “is her father”.
Pita is doing fine and Creasy is interested. Interested and proud. She wins! Pita Ramos wins!
(Boy, I sure didn’t see that coming…)
4:40
Pita is sitting with Christopher Walken and Creasy and they are all laughs and stories and smiles. Pita gives Creasy a gift; a pendant of St. Jude, the patron saint of Lost causes. Denzel has an amazing smile; Dakota Fanning is great and natural. Christopher Walken is Christopher Walken and this movie will change none of that. But did anyone think to give Mr. Scott one of those pendants? Cause this movie’s ridiculous.
4:44 (Make a wish)
Pita is going to her piano lesson and just gave Creasy a daisy. Can’t help but feel that something ain’t right. What all is gonna happen?
4:50
There was a shootout involving two cops, Creasy and a couple of kidnappers. Creasy shot two policeman before being shot himself, several times. Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington get shot well. They give blank stares, as if trying to make sense of a bad and untenable situation. Dakota comes screaming to Creasy before being kidnapped herself. Turns out the cops were corrupt but Creasy is arrested for killing the two corrupt officers anyway.
4:52
The Mexican authorities are telling Marc the protocol for getting his daughter back. It is raining outside, the mood is a wet blue-ish gray and Marc looks none too happy. It turns out Mickey Rourke is Marc’s attorney. No wonder he looks miserable.
4:59
The kidnapper is relaying his instructions for the ransom money. He is an unshaven Mexican man with horrible English and greasy hair. Why he speaks to Marc and the Mexican Police in English is beyond me. I’m neither Mexican nor a native Spanish speaker and I’m offended; wasn’t anyone else?
5:02
The police botch the drop-off and the kidnapper implies that because of the botch, the daughter will die and Tony Scott cues the dramatic music but I’m about to throw up because Dakota was paid a couple million dollars to be in this movie and there is no way they are going to kill her off without at least one more scene between her and Denzel. I can just picture Tony going to the head of the studio saying he wants to kill Dakota off and being met with “Are you bleeping out of your mind?” (Only he doesn’t say bleeping).
Back to the movie: The mother is understandably upset. Just wait till she tells Creasy. He’s gonna be pissed.
5:03
Creasy just found out. He grabbed his St. Jude pendant. Those dirty Bandidos are going to pay.
5:10
Turns out there is a brotherhood of corrupt cops and government officials called ‘La Hermandad’. Jenny, my flatmate comes in and laughs. I ask her why and she says “La Hermandad means ‘brotherhood’ in Spanish. I have officially lost patience. I want to throw the remote at the TV and revel in the sound of the screen shattering into a million little pieces. But I can’t; the TV is the only thing I inherited from my grandmother, who died three years ago. And how would I watch ‘Grey’s Anatomy’?
5:13
Is this movie over yet?
5:15
Creasy buying a lot of guns. He can spin them, twirl them, cock them, pull triggers. This is all fine but he’s about to infiltrate a brotherhood of corrupt civil servants. He is either an extremely competent killing machine. There is no time for Mafia Baton Twirler tryouts.
5:25
Creasy just tortured one of hermandad, extracted some information and killed him. Before sending the man in his car off a cliff, there was a flashback to Pita’s poem. It says love creasy, love creasy, love creasy.
5:26
Creasy is now infiltrating a club, torturing more people and extracting information. There is a lot of blood.
5:31
The film threw us a red herring. On of the people denzel is torturing says the girl is alive. She takes Creasy to the girl but it turns out to be a different girl. Creasy sets fire to the club. Alright, Tony and scriptwriter, I get it: he’s angry and beyond morality. Yeesh. Can’t you get him an ice cream cone or something?
5:33
Just looked at the dvd label. This movie is two and a half hours long which give me about 45 minutes to go. I can either finish the movie or remove every single one of my fingernails with a wire cutter. I settle in.
5:40
I’m in hell.
5:44
Christopher Walken voices what amounts to a moral justification to Creasy’s actions. He explains that a man can be an artist at anything and that Creasy’s art is death and that Creasy’s vengeance on the man responsible for pita’s death will be his masterpiece.
So there you have it: Murder is art. Go on all you Ted Bundy’s out there: Hack away.
5:59
Turns out Marc is in on the kidnapping. Creasy gives him a bullet, says “a bullet never lies” and walks out. Marc looks at the bullet, looks at a gun conveniently place about two feet from him (I’m not even asking how that got to be there) and begins walking to it. The scene cuts to Creasy walking away from the room and we hear a gunshot. Creasy doesn’t flinch. You think Marc was taking target practice.
6:00
Quick conclusion: Creasy kills a couple more people in kinda weird ways. Turns out one of the people he tortures is the main kidnapper’s brother. He also takes the kidnapper’s pregnant girlfriend hostage. So Creasy calls the kidnapper on his brother’s phone and tells him he’s going to kill the two of them. The kidnapper pauses and tells him Pita is alive and he’ll arrange a tradeoff because family is so important. Creasy agrees and arranges a meeting place for the trade.
OH COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!
6:15
I pause the movie and swear repeatedly. I hate myself, netflix, the studio who made it and everyone on imdb who recommended it. 7.5 stars? (*&#$%^&*&^%#@!@)
6:20
Creasy finally sees Pita. They have the following exchange:
Pita: I love you, Creasy. And you love me too, don't you?
Creasy: Yes, I do. With all my heart, Pita. Go.
Pita runs to her mother and Creasy gets in the car. It turns out the trade is not only pita for the baddie’s brother but Pita for the borther and Creasy’s life. I don’t get this but I’m about to wallop my own head with my laptop: Creasy just infiltrated, tortured and murdered a Brotherhood of Corrupt Police, Politicians and Civil Servants, all while nursing open gun wounds (did I mention this?). WHY IS HE GETTING IN THE CAR?
6:26
Movies’ over. Tony thanks Mexico City “A very special place.” Corruption, kidnapping violence. Very special indeed.
